I follow a blogger named Katie Foster aka RUNS FOR COOKIES (www.runsforcookies.com). Her blogs are super inspiring and while it’s hard to read about anyone’s challenges and struggles, it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone. We are not alone.
Her latest post is a snap shot at her struggles from 2009 until now and it’s crazy to see all her ups and downs in terms of her weight and what factors contributed to her losing and gaining weight. It got me thinking about all of mine and so in pure Kaila fashion, I have a graph!
Whoa. Talk about ups and downs (let’s be honest, it’s mostly ups). I’m not really at a point where I’m comfortable enough with my weight to post about the actual numbers, but sometimes we need to go out of our comfort zone in order to grow as a person. And as I’ve said (and tried to believe) weight is a number, so fuck it! (Insert nervous dry heave here)
When I first met Angela I was on a health kick and within the first year of being together I was at my all time low weight – 138 lbs! From then (likely 2011) to January of 2013, I gained 25 lbs – I logged my weight at 163. (Everyone says it’s normal to gain weight when you get into a relationship with someone, so that was my excuse)
January 2013 – April 2013 I lost 17lbs – 146 baby! I was going to the gym, and counting calories. This was the point where I was obsessive. The point where I basically logged the 5 calories of my gum in My Fitness Pal. According to the scale, I felt great but mentally and emotionally, I was a wreck.
By September 2013 I was up 10 lbs – 156. I logged my weight until January 2014 and lost only 2 lbs.
The next time I logged was June 2014 and i was at 162. At this point I hard worked hard for a year and a half and I was right back where I started! SO FRUSTRATING!!
I logged my weight off and on from June 2014 to November 2015 and every time was a couple pounds more -165, 167, 169. I can see vividly where my obsession with the number comes from. People say a couple pounds is no big deal, and they’re right if it’s a couple pounds and stays that way. But for me it was a couple pounds every month and before I knew it, I was 3 lbs heavier than what I started at in November of 2015.
Again, from Jan/13 to Nov/15 I only gained 3 lbs net but the struggle throughout those 3 years was so painful to go through.
Christmas of 2016 I thought would be a game changer for me! I got a Fitbit from my wonderful wife and started logging and working at it again. I weighed in December 26th at the highest weight I had ever been – it was heart breaking. 183. From my lowest to highest in 6 years I had gained a whopping 45 lbs.
I worked hard in 2017 to get my steps logged and hopefully drop some weight but again, the number just kept climbing higher and higher. November 1 came and I was up 5 more lbs to the highest weight I have ever been – 187. My heart stopped.
187 lbs. You know, if you try and find your BMI online and put in 187 lbs, 30 years old, female, 5’7″ it tells you I’m over weight. As a matter of fact, at 187 at 5’7″ it tells me I’m almost obese. And here is part of the problem! If you see me, you may think I need to lose a some weight, but I don’t think (and maybe I’m oblivious) that anyone in their right mind would ever say I was obese. It’s so frustrating! And this is one of the reasons why I try so hard to not measure anything anymore (that struggle continues).
So after weighing in and seeing my weight only 13 lbs from the terrifying 200’s, I had to do something. That’s when I started up with Fine Cut Fitness. Today marks week 11 and I’m not sure how much weight I have lost. Last time I weighed in I was at 180 but my wife hid the scale so I’m not sure what I’m at now. I would love to say that I don’t care and it’s just a number but the truth is I still wonder. I feel good knowing I’m eating healthier, and working out but a huge part of me still wants that reassurance on the scale.
It’s a long process and I’m not a patient woman. I struggle on the daily to see more results and when I don’t I get frustrated. But we all need to remember that this is not a sprint, this is a marathon. This is a life long journey and these ups and downs are what makes life. If it was easy, everyone would do it right?
It feels good to see my rises and falls, and vent them out to the world. Writing is such a cool experience and while it terrifies me that the world sees this, what terrifies me more is keeping it inside and it eating away at me. For years my low self confidence, body image issues, and weight issues have eaten away at my insides and at times I thought they would take me over.
But here I am, telling the world (or maybe just the 5 people who actually read this thing) that I’m trying. I’m going out of my comfort zone, being vulnerable, and trying to be a better me.
If being a better me means that I go to the gym 5 times a week, eat healthier foods, try to make the world a better place, and still weigh 187 lbs, then so be it.