Intuitive Eating – It’s hard.

The book I am currently reading is called Intuitive Eating by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole. It’s opening my eyes up to the insane world of dieting and all the negative things associated with it. They say at the very beginning of the book that you have to have an open mind while reading the book, simply because it goes against a lot of the things that you learn growing up and into adulthood. Those things aren’t true, but we still learn them and believe them and a lot of us build our lives around them. This “diet culture” that is so prevalent in today’s society is so toxic and this book really helps to cut yourself off from that and start a new chapter of intuitive eating instead of dieting.

It’s hard though.

I’ve addressed food the same way for as long as I can remember. I actually remember sneaking chocolate chip cookies into my bedroom in the middle of the night to get my fix. I would fall asleep in the middle of eating them and wake up to crumbled up cookies all over my bed, with the chocolate chips melted into my sheets and blanket. To this day I still wake up every now and again in the middle of the night and search the kitchen for some type of chocolate – that’s not a healthy relationship – ha ha.

When you’ve had a certain relationship with food for so long, it’s going to take a long time to change that relationship and how you think about it, and I’m learning that right now. Not only does it take time, but it really does require you to take a leap of faith.

Instead of following a meal plan or calorie count, I am now attempting to trust my body and eat what I want, when I want it. That’s the key – trusting my body. I haven’t done that in a long time, and it scares the shit out of me. This book explains it all though in step by step instructions. It touches on what your current thoughts are, what they need to be, and how you change them.

Changing them takes so much time, and what happens from now until then scares me. I should not be focused my weight in terms of the number but I can’t help but think that if I try to trust my body and it doesn’t go well, the number will rise and I’m going to end up heavier than I was before. It’s an incredibly scary thought but the basis behind intuitive eating is that when you do in fact trust your body, you will hit your weight set point which is the weight that your body wants to be at. I’m not supposed to care, but I hope that point is less than what I am now.

I don’t think it will be.

I had a rough day with all this intuitive eating crap yesterday. I tried on a couple pairs of shorts and they didn’t fit properly, and they did earlier this year. I know that my body is changing a little bit ’cause I feel my clothes fitting differently, but I am trying to trust myself and this process. I’m convincing myself that I have to trust it….I’m just not entirely convinced yet.

On the plus side, I have a workshop at the Women’s Health Clinic this evening regarding body image, so that might be interesting. God knows I could use some help in that department. And I’m getting closer to my orientation at the clinic for the recovery program (August 22!).

I’m scared shitless that by the time the wait is over for this program, I will have gained all the weight I lost, and be at a higher weight than I ever have been. Clearly I haven’t learned yet to not focus on the number…..I’ll get there…..








The Vicious Cycle

I haven’t recorded my weight in 20 something days!

And it’s KILLING ME!

I want to so badly, to see where I’m at. I’ve completely stopped watching my food intake obsessively and I’m scared shit less to step on the scale. It’s really just a vicious cycle.

  1. I tell myself weight doesn’t matter.
  2. I eat whatever I want, paying attention to how food makes me feel, and if I feel hungry or full.
  3. The better I get at it, the more worried I am that I am gaining weight.
  4. Then the obsession starts up again, the negative thoughts start to infiltrate my brain
  5. Things start to go downhill.

I’m not sure how to stop the downhill rolling besides simply just not thinking about it and pushing it out of my mind, but that doesn’t seem healthy to me.

I do know that part of the way I’m feeling the last few days is because of my monthly friend, so I’m bloated and feeling like I’ve gained some pounds. Ultimately that shouldn’t matter though. It’s all just a part of being a woman, and this is what your body does. It’s a good thing I haven’t weighed, because you’re always heavier during your period and guaranteed that would have psyched me out.

I’ve also not been going to the gym much, if at all, or making sure I get my 10,000 steps in. Another reason why I’m feeling crummy about where I’m at.

I know that I’m moving towards a better relationship with food, but without guidance it’s feeling like I’m falling off the wagon. I’m looking forward to the workshop I have coming up on Body Image on Monday. Maybe that will help.



Intuitive Eating

It’s been a while and things are going okay, or not okay depending on how I look at it and what mood I’m in.

My inner voice continues to tell me to go to the gym every single day and not eat any crap food, but I am trying to listen to my body instead. The books I’ve been reading (The Body Myth & Healthy at Every Size) really emphasize that intuitive eating is the way to go for long term weight loss and being healthy. So despite how much my brain is telling me that some of the foods I’ve been eating aren’t healthy and I should go to the gym to work it off, I’ve been trying to shut that part up and go per the book.

That’s not to say I’m not going to go to the gym. I’m just saying that I’m trying not to go to the gym because I feel like I have to. I’m also trying to make healthy choices for eating, but only when I’m hungry. If I eat pizza, or KFC, or cake – so be it. As long as I’m eating it when I’m hungry, and stopping when I’m full.

I’ve also started a Food Log effective today that will track when and what I’m eating, and most importantly how it makes me feel. It’s so easy to think that the chocolate muffin you’re going to eat for breakfast is going to taste so good! But after eating it, you feel sluggish and like you have a huge boulder in your gut. That’s how I felt this morning, and so I wrote it down. Next time I am craving a muffin for breakfast, the plan is that I remember I had it once before, check back to see how it made me feel, and make a different choice; something that will not make me feel like a pile of garbage.

It’s hard to remember that this is a life long goal, and not something that will be mastered in a week or a month. I’m really excited to get my orientation done at the Women’s Clinic for the Eating Disorder Recovery Program, but it feels like it’s so far away. I’m worried that my new way of thinking is going to back fire, and I’ll end up being 200 lbs by the time I’m in it. I try not to focus on the number but ultimately it still plays a part in how I feel.

On the plus side, I weighed myself yesterday and it was a disaster. How is that a plus you ask? I didn’t let it ruin my day, like I normally would have. I told myself that I’m getting my period, which will make changes in my body and that is a huge part of what the gain on the scale probably is from. In addition to that, it’s just a number. I’m still on the “if I tell myself enough I’ll start to believe it” band wagon. It’s starting to work.




Emotional vs Physical Hunger

The workshop on Saturday was 2 hours and full of great information. Information that no doubt I will find useful – self care, self soothing, types of hunger etc.

The biggest take away for me was in regards to emotional vs physical hunger. She said something to us that made me go “Hm…” and that was that if you’re craving something specific, that is emotional hunger. If you are hungry physically, it will not matter what you eat. Your body is telling you that you require energy and you will eat what is available. But when you think you are physically hungry but you don’t want a piece of chicken, you want a bag of m&m’s – you got it! Emotional!

I loved this piece of information, but never thought I would ever really acknowledge the differences with myself personally. Yesterday however, I had a break through!

Yesterday I made a tortellini pesto chicken concoction, which was quite delicious. However afterwards I still felt hungry – my serving wasn’t very big. I acknowledged my feelings and gave my brain time to get the cues from my stomach that I had just had food and that I was full. The hunger feeling went away a short time later.

And a short time after that, it was back. Or I thought it was anyways. After dinner is my snack time. We curl up on the couch to catch up on some Bachelorette episodes and I almost always have a snack – could be chips, could be an apple, but I usually always have something. I told Angela I wanted something, and guaranteed if she would have agreed to a snack, I would have too. But she was full still so I tried to ignore my “hunger”. At one point I was just going to ignore my brain and say to hell with it, I’m having my apple! But then I randomly thought, maybe I’ll have something else. Maybe I’ll have some yogurt for a snack, I always have an apple. Instantly, I said no to yogurt.

Maybe I’ll have some mixed nuts. NO, I DON’T WANT MIXED NUTS!

I wanted my apple and peanut butter.


If you are craving something specific, it’s likely emotional hunger.

Whoa. I recognized this and immediately said to myself, I wasn’t going to eat it. And you know what? I didn’t. I drank some water, and walked away from the kitchen. I didn’t have any snack. Nothing, not even a peanut m&m that I have stashed in the cupboard.

It’s a small victory, but a victory none the less. And you know what? Today I have no guilt about my night before snack (yes, even after eating a healthy snack of an apple and peanut butter, I get food guilt).

Today’s a good day 🙂






Challenge Accepted

I went to an Emotional Eating work shop on Saturday at a local Women’s Clinic and it was great! I learned a lot, so hopefully I can put those things to good use in the future, only time will tell.

Yesterday was a more emotional day, since I spoke with a Councillor at that same clinic about being put on their Recovery Program wait list. She agreed that this program would be helpful to me, and so now I just wait 6-12 months to start the program. There is a little bit of information leading up to that, like an orientation and a 6 week start up type program, but most of it won’t be until that wait time is just about up. In the mean time, it’s work shops, and trying to educate myself with reading some books on their Resource List.

The fact that I reached out for help was a huge deal for me, especially when it comes to my eating which this woman Lori called “Disordered Eating” as opposed to a clinical eating disorder, which I know I don’t have. I’m a little scared of judgement, and people finding out about it. Which is weird that I’m writing it in a blog that could be viewed by a lot of people. But again, I’m trying to put it out there despite the uncomfortable feelings because we shouldn’t have to hide things like this, or mental disorders like anxiety etc. I want to own it, and be okay with it, and not be afraid to talk about it. But the reality is that I am scared. There are so many thoughts about what other people will think of me when they find out I’m in a program to prevent and recover from eating disorders. I guess a part of me thinks that I’m not damaged enough to go to something like this. I don’t starve myself. I don’t binge. I don’t purge. I’m not extreme (I don’t think?).

I have so many thoughts, and it’s hard to put them into words that make sense.

I am excited though, to finally tackle this on going issue. It’s frustrating that I reached out and took that step and now I have to wait for almost a year, but I do have my Anxiety group starting this fall so maybe it’s a good thing that there’s a wait, otherwise I’d be doing way too many things at once.

In speaking with the Councillor, she said that it is very clear after our 25 minute conversation that I think about food and exercise far more than the average person. I’m not sure how much the average person thinks about it, but I would say that a good portion of my day is spent thinking about it.

  • When I wake up I automatically question what my weight is. It’s when I usually would weigh myself. If I didn’t eat what I feel is a good days worth of healthy foods, I normally start feeling guilty at this time already
  • When I shower I see my body and things that I wish I could change
  • When I make my breakfast (usually an omelette) I think that maybe there are better options for me despite knowing that eggs, peppers, and a little cheese isn’t bad for me
  • If I don’t wake up early, I kick myself for being lazy and not going on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I was able to get about 3200 steps before my day really started when I’d get up early.
  • I contemplate my day and either decide or not decide to take my gym bag to work to go to the gym at lunch. Usually throughout the morning I battle off and on whether or not I’m going to go or not. If I don’t have plans at lunch I feel lazy if I don’t go, hens the on going battle.
  • In the afternoon if I don’t go to the gym, I often kick myself and usually tell myself that I need to pick it up in the evening. I need to hit the gym, go for a walk, or hit the treadmill. Don’t be lazy Kaila! You can’t gain that weight back. You want a beach bod. Work for it.
  • During the day if I’m sitting at my desk, sometimes I’ll feel uncomfortable. Bloated, or just that my pants are too tight. I wonder if I’m gaining weight, and if the foods I’m eating and exercise I’m doing is good enough.
  • We usually eat pretty healthy for dinner but I still get upset if we’re eating pasta or rice for dinner – carbs are bad!
  • I always want to snack in the evenings, so I battle that as well. If I went to the gym during the day maybe I won’t feel so bad but if I didn’t I battle with what to have, and why I’m having it.
  • Usually I end up having an apple with peanut butter and a little bit of mini chocolate chips to get my chocolate fix without going overboard. It’s healthy,  but I still feel guilt for snacking, and having those chocolate chips, and that peanut butter that has fat in it.
  • Every time I go to the bathroom and do my belt up afterwards I wonder if the belt has been able to do up tighter, or if I have to loosen it. I use the bathroom 10+ times a day, and every single time I use it, these thoughts cross my mind.

This is a day for me, plus so much more in between. It’s exhausting. And now this waiting seems to be intensifying everything. The program is so close, yet so far.

But for now I tell myself CHALLENGE ACCEPTED and start to do what I can on my own, and with my super wife Angela who is the biggest support I could have ever imagined. Without her I wouldn’t have asked for help, or even thought I needed it or deserved it.

So here I go!





Guilt Free McFlurry!

The book I just read “Body Respect” by Linda Bacon, and the one I’m reading currently called “The Body Myth” – mind blowing!

I’ve had people tell me for years that we all have a “set weight” (a weight that your body just likes to be at) and that for women, when you’re at an age where you can start having children your body changes to accommodate that. I didn’t not believe them, but I didn’t really listen either. A part of me thought they’re just saying that to make me feel better about the pudge around my waist, or the number on the scale.

It’s true though. And hearing it from an outside source makes it sink in a little more than it did before! (I don’t know why)

For myself, I need to learn it to truly believe it and these books are teaching me so much. I want to buy them so I can re read them when I am feeling low, and remind myself that this is just my body. My genetics have said that this is where I’m comfortable and the number on the scale isn’t an indication of my health.

Healthy At Every Size.

This is a movement that I want to be a part of! It’s not saying that at 450 lbs and 50% body fat, you’re healthy. It’s saying that the number doesn’t define you and your health, just like your height doesn’t define your health. It’s more than that, but I won’t get into it because you should just read the books!

On another note,  I ate a snack size M&M McFlurry yesterday and guess what? I didn’t feel guilty. I don’t even feel guilty this morning, because I’m allowed to treat myself, and there’s no such thing as good or bad food. (This is me slightly convincing myself that it’s okay)

I am a little worried however, if this lack of guilt is going to back fire. I’ve had food guilt for so many years and a part of me feels like that is a part of the reason why I haven’t ballooned to 250+ pounds. If I learn to not have any guilt, what’s stopping me from eating whatever I see in sight? It’s scary, but I’m trying to trust the system of HAES and go from there. We shall see how it goes!



“Body Respect” – READ THE BOOK!

I don’t know where to start today, because my brain is going back and forth so quickly about how I should feel.

I went into the weekend thinking that whatever will be will be, and if I don’t get 10K steps a day it’s not the end of the world. I knew that I would be having some drinks and eating crumby food because of the plans that I had, and I was okay with that. In the moment, I owned it and felt confident that I wasn’t going to hold back. It went well. I felt good all weekend.

And then yesterday hits – a dreaded Monday morning. All I can thought of yesterday is “Why did I do that?” I didn’t get 10K steps on either Saturday or Sunday. My goal to do better on the weekend is not going well. But a part of me thinks that’s okay, because I can’t be on top of my game every single day of my life. There will always be days where you’re less active, and that’s okay. It’s okay to have a rest day.

It’s okay to have a rest day. Right?

It is. This is what I would tell other people, so I need to take my own advice.

This woman Jennifer Rollin that I follow on IG has a website now that had some really good information. One of the tips is that when you feel like you’re beating yourself up about something, say what you would tell someone else in your shoes, and take that advice. I’m going to try that from now on, even though it’ll be pretty hard.

I’m also jumping back in to educating myself. I’m reading a book now called “Body Respect” which details some weight loss information that conventional health books get wrong about weight. It basically goes against everything you’ve ever thought was right, which makes reading it and accepting the information difficult, however it’s really quite interesting.

It’s hard to believe what you read these days because so much of it is contradicting, but that’s why I like to read it, so I can get the different stories, and determine what is true and what I myself truly believe.

Want an example? Here is an excerpt from the book that I find fascinating.

Examine those international standards, set by the World Health Organization (WHO), and you will find that the WHO relied on the International Obesity Task Force (IOTF) to make the recommendations (This is in regards to BMI). At the time, the two biggest funders of the IOTF were the pharmaceutical companies that had the only weight-loss drugs on the market. In other words, the pharmaceutical industry, which has vested interest in making us believe that fat is dangerous – and that they have a solution – wrote the BMI standards that are currently used.”

Wait – for real? I’m going to do much more reading up on this.

It also mentions this about BMI for children.

“BMI Categories were created by looking at  American kids heights and weights in the 1960’s and 1970’s and then arbitrarily defining children above the ninety-fifth percentile as “obese” and those in the eighty-fifth percentile and above as “overweight.” We still compare kids to those norms. No scientific reason has been presented for choosing the data from the time period as the norm, nor has a scientific reason been presented for deciding that the top 15 percent should be considered pathological.”

Fascinating!! I did end up reading up on it a bit more and it does seem to be fact! That’s crazy! First of all, this was the 60’s and 70’s so lots has changed. And 2nd – you just take the average weight and all of a sudden that’s a healthy range? That would be like doing that today and saying the healthy weight is actually 20 lbs more than what it was back in the 60’s. Now because that’s the average it’s all of a sudden okay? It’s not logical and makes no sense.

And we’re following this stuff! We’re looking at BMI and saying “Oh my god, I’m over the amount I should be”. Says who? Says a pharmaceutical company? Kiss it!

This book is fascinating, and if you have any struggle big or small with dieting, or your weight, or your self image, I highly recommend it. The basis behind it is that dieting in the long term doesn’t work, and actually makes things worse. You need to love yourself the way you are, and long term that will assist you in being a healthier person.



Vulnerability is Scary

Being open on a platform where potentially millions of people can see what you’re writing makes me nervous. It also makes me laugh that I just said that millions of people could potentially read this, because I can see how many hits each post gets and my all time high is at around 7. HA! It’s possible though, I guess.

Okay, back to the serious stuff. It’s hard to be vulnerable, and put your life out there for people to read about and maybe even judge. But it could also be helpful.

Could you imagine a world where no one shared their struggles? Often times I feel like I’m the only one who feels certain things, even though I know this isn’t true because I’ve read about others feeling the same way. But if no one ever shared their feelings on platforms where you could read them or see them, we wouldn’t know this and we would truly feel alone and believe with ever fiber of their being, that we are the only ones with these feelings and thoughts.

It’s like coming out of the closet. If I never saw Ellen Degeneres, or all the guests on Oprah when I was a kid who were gay, do you think I’d ever in a million years come out? Not likely. I probably wouldn’t even have the words to express myself; to even know that what I was, was gay.

Thankfully though, there are a lot of platforms out there (social media, these blog sites, being a celebrity, etc) that allow people to share their thoughts and feelings and this allows others to be able to relate. If you share these things you’re being vulnerable and risking judgement, but you’re also possibly reaching someone who feels the same things you do, and maybe you’re helping them in some way.

Helping people has been my passion for as long as I can remember. If I can help someone in any way possible, I feel like I’ve done a good thing. Even just if I can give someone something to relate to, it makes me feel good. That embarrassment or being uncomfortable will become worth it, because maybe you’ve taught someone something, or encouraged them to do something.

So that being said, let me dive into the juicy stuff!

It’s no shock if you’ve read some previous posts or know me at all, that I struggle a lot with body image, food, weight, exercise, etc. So much so that I get anxiety about it. I found out recently that “food guilt” is a real thing! Can you believe that? It sounds so ridiculous – food guilt. What is it though? Exactly what it sounds like.

You eat a donut, and then you feel guilty. It could be a simple thought of  “Why did I eat that donut, I was already full”. Or it could be more of what I tend to do.

  • Why did I eat that donut, it has so much sugar in it?
  • I should probably go to the gym to work that off
  • My weight tomorrow when I weigh myself will probably be up a couple pounds
  • I worked so hard at the gym all week and now I ruined it
  • Anxiety starts to set in
  • My waist probably grew a couple inches
  • I’m never going to get the beach body I want
  • Going out in summer is going to be so embarrassing
  • Everyone is going to judge me and the spare tire I have around my stomach
  • I hate my stomach. I hate my body.
  • I feel like everything I’ve worked on leading up to this moment is for nothing

I could continue this list for pages and pages, but you get the idea, and you see how it progresses from “Why did I eat this donut” to “I hate my body”. It builds and builds and turns into something so big that I end up having anxiety about it.

I’ve googled food guilt and so much information comes up but the most shocking part is that eating disorder sites come up. Yes, I mentioned this in my last post but I’ve done some serious digging since then. My wife told me that she realizes now that this is truly something I cannot control. She sent me a couple websites to check out and they seem pretty informative.

So informative that I made the decision to contact one clinic in particular to get some help.

Yes. I admitted finally with the unwavering help from my wife, that this is too much for me to do on my own, and I need help. No, I don’t have an eating disorder. I have a relationship with food that is incredibly unhealthy for me. Not necessarily physically but mentally it’s so so unhealthy.

So, I’ve inquired about a Prevention and Recovery Program. It shows that it’s an eating disorder program but really what it seems to focus on is workshops dedicated to body image, emotional eating, health, and self esteem. You address your readiness to change, body image, coping strategies, emotions, self esteem, mindful eating, the list goes on.

I’ve contacted this clinic to put me on the waiting list for their services (6-12 months – UGH!), but in the mean time Angela and I signed up for some clinics together – Understanding Emotional Eating, Transformer Body Image, and Nutrition Basics. It’s amazing that she’s willing to go with me, it makes this experience so much better.

The first one starts next week, and then there’s one in July, and another in August. I hope to get some good tools out of these work shops, so I can start to address the issues I have. I’ve struggled with this for so long and it’s a bit of a weight off my shoulders to know that there are programs that can help. I thought for years that I just disliked things about me, but I’m not realizing that these feelings and thoughts aren’t necessarily normal. Not everyone thinks of themselves in the negative way that I do, and I don’t need to struggle with these thoughts and emotions.

I feel good about where I’m at. I feel nervous that I’m sharing this with people, but I know that maybe someone else has these feelings and maybe this will push them to seek out a clinic to get some help too.

And maybe no one will read this, and it will help no one. Except me. Writing this all always makes me feel so much better!






Week 2 – GC Update

I made a goal, and I rocked it!!!

After week 1 I said I wanted to average 15,000 steps a day for week 2 and I blew it out of the water. Week 1 was 14,135.

Week 2:


Ohhhhhhhh yeah (That little dude that looks like he’s celebrating in the bottom right shows that Week 2 was my best week!)!!! I rocked this week and now my overall average is 15,853. I’m super happy about it and feel great! Monday I went on the treadmill at 4:45AM, I went on the elliptical at lunch at the gym for 30 minutes, I went to the gym after work and did interval running for 30 minutes, and then we took Harlow B out for a walk for a half hour. I’m doing great!


In the back of my head I still don’t think it’s enough.

My mind plays tricks on me constantly. My goal starts out at 10K and I pass it to 14K, and then I pass it to 17K, and now my brain believes anything less than 17K isn’t enough. That less than 17K is a fail, when really as long as I’m moving nothing is a fail. Even if I don’t move much one day, that’s not a fail. That’s one day, and I’m entitled to rest.

Confession (cue lecture from Angela): The scale has been around for the last few days and I’ve let it get the best of me. I weighed myself maybe ever second day and I’ve watched the number go up. Here I am, so obsessed with the number that my 17,000 step average is being thrown on the back burner, and I’m making myself feel like I haven’t done enough.

Not only that, but my food guilt is starting to creep back (it never really did go away). I ate 2 cookies at my sister in laws graduation last night, and this morning when I weighed myself I thought “Wow, if I wouldn’t have ate those damn cookies, maybe the number would have gone down”. It sounds so stupid, because I know that’s not how things work. I know that eating 2 cookies isn’t going to add 5 lbs to the scale, but I can’t help but feel guilty about it and regret my decision.

I ate white pasta for the last couple nights for dinner/lunch and keep thinking “OH MY GOD! WHY DID I DO THAT? I’M GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT!” And then I beat myself up over it for a couple days. It’s exhausting, and sometimes leads to anxiety. Thankfully I’m on meds that seem to keep my anxiety under control, but I don’t want to be on meds forever. I need to get a grasp on this shit.

I’ve started to search the internet webs for “food guilt”, and a bunch of stuff about eating disorders comes up. My first thought is “I don’t not eat. I don’t throw up. I don’t binge. I don’t have an eating disorder.” And then I start searching more, and discover that those are not the only symptoms of an eating disorder. has the following on their home page of their website:

“Do you spend most of your day thinking about food and your body? Avoid meals, restrict certain foods, binge eat, or purge after eating? Feel guilty or out of control when eating? Think that life will only be good if an ideal weight is achieved? If you answer yes to any combination of these, you may have an eating disorder.” (bold is me)

I’m not self diagnosing myself here. I am not standing up and telling the world I have an eating disorder. But what I’m telling myself is that this isn’t normal, this isn’t healthy, and it’s a real problem that I need to fix.

How, is the next question.





Day 13 Rambling

Let’s start by saying I didn’t exactly rock the weekend, but it wasn’t a blow out either.

I told myself after my disappointing step count last week that I was going to do better, and I did! I also didn’t….confusing right?

The cons of the weekend were:

  • I didn’t meet 10K steps on Saturday, despite a long walk and babysitting (aren’t kids supposed to make you run around like a psycho?)
  • I didn’t drink my daily quota of water (75 ounces/day)
  • I ate horribly. I had pizza twice, and we went for ice cream yesterday

The pros of the weekend were:

  • I made a record number of steps on Sunday – 21,920!
  • I tracked my water intake (last weekend I didn’t even track it, let alone reach my quota)

Despite feeling a little upset with myself for not stepping it up on Saturday, I am quite proud of myself for the things I did accomplish and I’m trying to focus on that.

I consider November 1st (the day I started with FCC) my start date in this new version of myself. It’s been 7 months and some days I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. My guilt yesterday spiraled into anxiety and threw me off a little bit. I was dwelling on my food choices, and my lack of weight loss over the last couple of months. It seems that I am able to maintain my weight pretty good which is an accomplishment, however losing weight seems to be at a plateau.

Scratch that. It’s only a plateau because I’ve made different food choices. If I went back to exactly what Chad had written down for me over those 3 months, and did the work outs religiously, I’m sure I could lose more weight. Let’s be honest though, I don’t want to work that hard. It’s summer, and I don’t want to say no to the drinks on the deck, or the BBQ burgers and hot dogs with macaroni salad on the weekends. That’s where I get down on myself – it’s me. It’s my decisions that are keeping me from dropping weight and it’s only myself that I can blame.

*Insert popcorn brain*

The fact that I’m even blaming myself is ridiculous. Last I weighed myself I was 174.8 lbs, which is still about a 13 lb weight loss since November of 2017. Why am I even worried about the number? Why am I even worried about the shape of my body, or the extra chunk around the middle? I eat pretty healthy these days, and I’m working out constantly – 21K steps in a day (Can I get a hell yeah?)! I shouldn’t be worrying about anything besides that, but in this day and age that seems to be the norm.

I’ll end my rambling post today with a quote I saw from a woman I follow in Facebook named Jennifer Rollins. She is an Eating Disorder therapist from Maryland and she always posts great advise.

“Your body is NOT the problem. The problem is a culture where we are taught that our self worth comes from the thinness and size of our pants. The problem is a society that is rooted in patriarchy, racism, classism, ableism, and sexism. The problem is a world where people have been brainwashed to be terrified of gaining weight.”

Amen to that.