The book I am currently reading is called Intuitive Eating by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole. It’s opening my eyes up to the insane world of dieting and all the negative things associated with it. They say at the very beginning of the book that you have to have an open mind while reading the book, simply because it goes against a lot of the things that you learn growing up and into adulthood. Those things aren’t true, but we still learn them and believe them and a lot of us build our lives around them. This “diet culture” that is so prevalent in today’s society is so toxic and this book really helps to cut yourself off from that and start a new chapter of intuitive eating instead of dieting.
It’s hard though.
I’ve addressed food the same way for as long as I can remember. I actually remember sneaking chocolate chip cookies into my bedroom in the middle of the night to get my fix. I would fall asleep in the middle of eating them and wake up to crumbled up cookies all over my bed, with the chocolate chips melted into my sheets and blanket. To this day I still wake up every now and again in the middle of the night and search the kitchen for some type of chocolate – that’s not a healthy relationship – ha ha.
When you’ve had a certain relationship with food for so long, it’s going to take a long time to change that relationship and how you think about it, and I’m learning that right now. Not only does it take time, but it really does require you to take a leap of faith.
Instead of following a meal plan or calorie count, I am now attempting to trust my body and eat what I want, when I want it. That’s the key – trusting my body. I haven’t done that in a long time, and it scares the shit out of me. This book explains it all though in step by step instructions. It touches on what your current thoughts are, what they need to be, and how you change them.
Changing them takes so much time, and what happens from now until then scares me. I should not be focused my weight in terms of the number but I can’t help but think that if I try to trust my body and it doesn’t go well, the number will rise and I’m going to end up heavier than I was before. It’s an incredibly scary thought but the basis behind intuitive eating is that when you do in fact trust your body, you will hit your weight set point which is the weight that your body wants to be at. I’m not supposed to care, but I hope that point is less than what I am now.
I don’t think it will be.
I had a rough day with all this intuitive eating crap yesterday. I tried on a couple pairs of shorts and they didn’t fit properly, and they did earlier this year. I know that my body is changing a little bit ’cause I feel my clothes fitting differently, but I am trying to trust myself and this process. I’m convincing myself that I have to trust it….I’m just not entirely convinced yet.
On the plus side, I have a workshop at the Women’s Health Clinic this evening regarding body image, so that might be interesting. God knows I could use some help in that department. And I’m getting closer to my orientation at the clinic for the recovery program (August 22!).
I’m scared shitless that by the time the wait is over for this program, I will have gained all the weight I lost, and be at a higher weight than I ever have been. Clearly I haven’t learned yet to not focus on the number…..I’ll get there…..